First Night Alone

I am back in Huntington Beach to tie up final loose ends, sell my car, etc. Having left an amazing dinner at my friend Beckie’s house I have arrived at my first solo destination.

With no formal place to live anymore, Brisket and I are staying at the ever glamorous Extended Stay America in Huntington Beach. Nestled between light industrial buildings and the Navy base. I’m not sure I knew what I expected to see when I walked in but the moment I open the door my heart sank and panic started to set in. This did not feel like home. It didn’t feel sparkly or free.

This felt like an empty shitty hotel room that I was about to spend the next two weeks in. Why did I give up my beautiful apartment? Suddenly I desperately missed morning coffee on my deck.

As I laid my backpacks down on the table , I looked around and felt startlingly alone. That type of alone that months ago I was fearing I would feel. That type of alone that even earlier today I wrote about and stated that I have yet to encounter but possibly could arise.

And here we are no more than 12 hours later in the thick of it. Feeling icky down to my bones.

Thankfully I didn’t stay there for long. I have spent some time over these last few months thinking about how I can generate a feeling of home. Strategizing with some ladies from my women’s Circle about how I can create some sense of belonging, some sense of familiarity no matter where I am.

So I turned on some music and began to unpack, carefully placing items around my room in a familiar fashion. Book and journal by the bed. Folding my clothes in the way I’ve always folded my clothes. Setting a few crystals (yes I said crystals lol) that I love on the table because they make me happy when I look at them. I situated my toiletries around the bathroom as if it were my bathroom because for two weeks it is. I set my vitamins and tea bags and other kitchen things in my kitchen that in an organized fashion.

I unpacked every single item from both backpacks, leaving absolutely nothing left inside of them. Everything I own unpacked and in its new home.

As my bags emptied, and the music played, and Brisket sat on the bed happily chewing on his bone I went from panic to familiarity in a matter of 30 minutes.

When I wrote earlier about breaking out of the matrix, shattering the normal patterns of life, I failed to mention that the human psyche is not set up for that. In the face of chaos, we seek instinctively safety.

Fight, flight, freeze.

But running to safety will not foster the growth I seek.

Backing down is not the path to self discovery.

And so here I am.

Breathe in.

Breathe out.

I can do this.

I am doing this.