Alright everyone. It’s time to have a heart to heart and this isn’t short. To listen to the podcast deeper version click HERE for Episode 20 of the Krissy Krash Podcast
I have not been okay and have been struggling since I arrived in Cyprus. As I’ve shared with some of my close friends through fumbling and inadequate words that come out of my mouth like “I’m so anxious. I’m so depressed. I don’t know what to do with my time. I just feel empty.”
(My good friend Adam so kindly pointed out that I don’t feel this way ALL the time. None of us actually do, even if we FEEL like we feel depressed or anxious all the time, it really just comes in bursts or periods that feel big but are not actually constant.)
What I feel inside is a screaming voice saying “HELP ME! I feel like I’m disappearing. Fading into nothing! Please help me!”
Here I am, floating on a tiny rock in the middle of the Mediterranean feeling as if I’m fading into nonexistence and fighting so hard against something I can’t even put my finger on.
Over the last 90 days, through working with coaches, talking to wise friends, and doing some deep self examination, I am coming to understand that anxiety and depression are a symptom, they are not the disease. They are indicators of other things.
I’ve been taking a good hard look at where these feelings are coming from and the most glaring word that I can share with you that keeps coming up is INAUTHENTICITY .
I’ve been trying so hard while I’m here to create content, make Facebook posts, create podcasts, daily emails, write new programs, run coaching calls and do all of these things to help other people make their lives better … all while feeling so empty on the inside.
I haven’t had the right words to explain what I was going through until now and so I’ve just sat in my inauthenticity, in my dissatisfaction, in my disillusionment, and my feeling of emptiness. Lost.
On the outside I’ve been sharing and giving you the last bits of whatever I had left of the joy and sunshine and light. Think of it like squeezing an already squeezed orange hoping for a few last drops of juice.
I haven’t been intentionally hiding. I just haven’t known how to share what I’m going through. I haven’t had the words to express it until recently.
So here we go!
I am going through a mother fucking identity crisis.
In the wake of permanently leaving roller derby, breaking off my engagement, selling everything I own to travel the world, working so hard on a business for 10 years to get to the point where it no longer needs me all day every day and I am “free” … I’m now lost in who am I and what do I do with my life?
No one ever warns you that on the other side of getting everything you want is a big vast expanse of “now what?”
In leaving roller derby, I’ve lost a massive piece of who I am. Not just from the standpoint of an athlete and a reason to train but in a questioning of “who am I now to continue to coach women inside of this sport?” I have over 13 years of experience inside of the derby lifestyle. I know every part of what it means to eat sleep and breathe Derby. To train so hard for something you love so much.
What it means to make a team or not make a team. To win or to lose big games to face injury.
Now I feel like I’m an outsider and somehow need to keep proving to others that I have the credentials or authority to help these women get results. That someone is going to somehow find out that now I am a fraud because I’m no longer active in the skating community.
I love the derby community. It changed my life. I am forever indebted to it. That is the reason why I coach these women because I love this tribe so much. I’m so committed to the joy and fitness and happiness and health of people inside this community. Yet the further and further I get from my last actual rostered game on the track, the more I feel like an outsider. I feel like my credibility is fading. I don’t even know if this is real or imagined. Is it just me feeling this way or am I really just some washed up old derby skater trying to hang on to some semblance of significance?
On top of that, I’ve fulfilled a career dream. 10 years ago I read a book called “The Four Hour Work Week” by Tim Ferris where he talked about building a location independent business. A business that you could do from anywhere and travel the world. I fell in love with this idea and have spent the last 10 years of my life focusing on making this a reality for myself.. How to build something that makes a profound and positive impact on the planet and also gives me the freedom to be wherever I want in the world. My company, Krash Course, has been through so many iterations over the last 10 years. It started as Herbalife distribution (haters gonna hate lol but I learned more about being an entrepreneur from my mentors in network marketing that I have anywhere else) then shifting to personal training and beginning to dabble in online fitness programs with Roller Derby Training Club then shifting away from simply an online trainer or supplement-based program to building a full on coaching program that holistically focuses on changing mindsets, fitness, food and life with Krash Course in Transformation.
In the last six months, I’ve taken another big step and Krash Course has gone from being a one woman show to a small business with three amazing employees. There’s something magical about seeing someone else be so passionate about your dream, your baby, your creation. To see my coaches have the same fire for changing lives that I do is nothing short of a miracle. As I’ve taught these three fabulous women how to take over many of the roles inside of Krash Course, what I’ve actually done is trained myself out of the job. Because they are doing such an amazing job there’s not much left for me to do and that has left me empty.
No one warns you about the shock and then let down of getting exactly the thing that you’ve always wanted.
After 10 years of grinding 12 to 15 hour days, coaching calls, Instagram posts, blog post, conference calls, personal development seminars, books, online courses, missing family events, vision creating, budget planning, client interview calls, creating Facebook ads, mapping out everything over and over and over again …
Now here I am in silence on the other side.
I find myself in this combination of boredom because there’s just so much time and I have no fucking clue what to do with it … and then guilt that I feel around having so much time because I think about so many people that are working so hard in their jobs. Do I really deserve to be in this position at all? When we were raised in an employee culture and then suddenly we don’t have a job to do the sense of self disintegrates pretty quickly.
I have no new vision yet of what the next 10 years is going to look like. It’s a project that, in order for me to haul myself out of this identity crisis, I’m going to have to dive in and do it.
I’m going to have to create the next vision. I have been so in love with and worked so hard on this path that now that I’m on the other side of it I literally have no fucking idea what to do.
I have hesitated to share that part because I fear that so many people would be like “well fuck you Krissy Krash. Fuck you very much for being dissatisfied with the thing that most people only dream of”. With that, I’ve just stayed quiet about it and I haven’t wanted to share because I feel like I don’t deserve to be unhappy. I don’t deserve to feel so empty right now because I got exactly what I asked for.
It makes me understand why people like Robin Williams, Kate Spade, Anthony Bordiane and so many people commit suicide. Jim Carrey once said, “ I think everybody should get rich and famous and do everything they ever dreamed of so they can see that it’s not the answer.” It’s true. Joy and happiness do not live on the other side of getting everything that you want. Because after you get it there’s still much more life to live and what the fuck do you do with it?
Another element that I have been unpacking and facing is that over the last 20 years of my life, I have gotten really good at being the lone wolf. I have become so self reliant that there have been points where I have spent upwards of seven days not seeing a single person face-to-face. Working online from home, chatting with some people on the phone, reading a book, going to the gym. While this whole online lifestyle is incredibly amazing, it has turned into isolation.
One of the worst things that can happen to a human being is to put them into solitary confinement. I feel like I’ve accidentally done that to myself in a lot of ways. I’m currently working hard on being better at reaching out to friends and building relationships. I feel like through social media platforms I’ve built up in an authentic online version of myself while also struggling in the background.
There’s this inspirational, positive, and motivated Krissy Krash who is definitely a massive part of what I am! In this process of sharing online, I have forgotten what it means to be human, to connect, to be imperfect. I’ve gotten so good at doing everything solo that I’ve left myself starving for connection.
As I’m peeling away these layers of self reliance and really looking at what’s underneath it all, what I have found is a festering pile of unworthiness. There is this fear of really being seen. There is self-hatred. There is anger at my body for being so big and so strong that it can’t hide or fit in. There’s also this shame that I am not as lean as the media says I should be. There is the terror of dying old and alone. There is a very deep fear that if someone were to find out who I really am that they would never be able to love me. It’s just been easier to hide, to be vulnerable and share with you but not quite really share it all, not to go naked out into the world because what if no one loves this uncensored really fucking real version of me.
Inside of this isolation, I’ve created even another layer of aloneness by jet setting off into the world. Sold everything that I own, packed my stuff into a backpack, grabbed my dog and went for it. It feels a little bit like stacking some sticks together, using some string to make a raft and then paddling out into the middle of the ocean. Only to be like, “Oh shit. I am in the middle of the ocean on a pile of sticks. How do I get back?”
It’s a big fucking world you guys and I don’t think I’ve given myself enough credit for the fact that I’m learning an entirely new way of living. This is a massive lifestyle shift and I’ve not given myself permission to be emotionally bad at it yet. It’s only been 3 months! I am still learning the art of making and leaving friends, traveling to unknown locations and trusting that I’ll meet new people when I get there. Learning about booking places to stay and flights and getting comfortable in hovering just on the edge of the unknown. This is all so new to me and I haven’t given myself the credit that it’s OK that it’s fucking new and unfamiliar, and scary. For some reason I thought it would be easy or that I would just be good at this. I wasn’t prepared for how much one must lean into the unknown to travel the world alone.
And on top of it all, in the quiet hours of the middle of the night just before I fall asleep, sometimes I’m overcome with this deep grief that I didn’t even know it still existed. I feel like I should be over the end of my engagement by now. It’s been a year and a half since I packed my things in 48 hours and started a new life, leaving behind a wonderful and yet also very scary and abusive relationship. It’s clear that I’m still grieving. I think that I’m fine for weeks at a time and then all of a sudden sadness and pain just comes up out of nowhere like there was a little bit left to be squeezed out. As I lay there with tears in my eyes like “really? We’re still doing this?” I am frustrated with the fact that I still have feelings about everything that happened. I should be stronger than this. Heal faster than this.
Please note! This is a lot of stuff and it’s taken me a lot of tearing apart because on the surface all I can say is ”I’m anxious. I’m depressed. I’m empty.” Those are just symptoms. Symptoms of a really big fucking identity crisis.
I realized last week that I spent about 10 years, from the age of 16 to 26, partying my ass off. Then I spent from 26 to 36 hustling my ass off. So really what I’m feeling it’s just the end of an era and the beginning of a new one. It’s an opportunity to take time and really ask myself:
What do I want the next 10 years to look like?
Who do I want to become in the next decade?
What is my new message for the world?
What am I building and how can I impact people in a positive way?
What do I want to see and experience in the next 10 years?
How do I want to feel?
Who do I want to spend my time with?
What do I want my days to look like?
And what do I want to create for the world?
I don’t have any answers to any of these questions right now. I feel such a weight lifted to just identify and realize and honor the massive fucking changes that have happened. The huge life shifts that are going on. I think it’s actually perfectly normal to feel entirely bat shit crazy right now. It is the end of an era. It is time for a new version of me.
I’m doing a lot of work right now to heal old patterns, let go of the subconscious conversations that have been running my life for decades. And it’s OK. The only thing consistent in this world is change. I’m graduating.
And the only reason that the vastness ahead of me feels so scary is because I haven’t acknowledged that it’s not a black hole. It is a blank canvas.
A Krash Course in World Travel 